I was (ironically) teaching a communications course at a college some months ago when I noticed that the boys were sitting with their arms crossed, a gesture that typically signifies defensiveness or disagreement. The students were mostly girls; there was just a handful of boys, sitting together at the extreme left of the room. Aah, I thought to myself, they probably don’t want to be lectured by a woman. But I wasn’t quite sure; some of the boys had been quite responsive earlier in the day.
“Is there a problem?” I asked. “This corner is very quiet and you are all sitting tight, with your arms crossed.” “Ma’am, we’re freezing to death. They’ve turned up the AC in this part of the room and we’re trying desperately to keep ourselves warm,” said one of the students. “Oh dear, let me get that fixed,” I said and went over to talk to the supervisor, laughing at myself for misreading the situation. Here I was, a long-time teacher of non-verbal communication, behaving like a novice and jumping to the wrong conclusion.
When it comes to reading body language, it’s easy to fall into the trap of wrong assumptions. ‘A person not making eye contact has something to hide.’ ‘All smiling people are happy.’ ‘A listener fidgeting in their seat is not paying attention.’ People often bandy about such notions, only to discover later that they’re totally misplaced.
A friend of mine told me about a recent pitch she made to an investor. She said she knew she had a great product and a compelling argument. But as she took the investor through the presentation, she felt her confidence ebbing away. Because he didn’t nod or smile or ask a single question. The only time he spoke was to say ‘Thank you’ as he left the room. My friend was shattered till she got a call from the investor’s assistant, saying he’d loved the pitch and wanted to set up a longer meeting. “But he didn’t say anything or even smile,” wailed my friend. “That’s just his way. He’s very reserved. If he didn’t like it, he would have said something,” explained the assistant.
So, there you have it. Another case of crossed wires. As humans, we are programmed to look for facial and behavioural cues that we can gauge for meaning. The practice is believed to have started with our ancient ancestors, for whom body language was the only basis of communication and they often had only a moment to identify if the person facing them was a friend or foe.
It’s no longer a matter of life or death. At least, not usually. Today, reading someone’s body language is meant to help us work better with them.
Only, it’s not a foolproof language. Unlike words, behavioural cues do not have clear, distinct meanings. Nor do gestures or expressions always signify the same thing. Non-verbal communication is a dynamic, complex process that depends heavily on the communicator and their circumstances.
First, one man’s smile need not be his neighbour’s style. To truly understand a person’s state of mind, you must consider their overall personality. A warm handshake from an introvert is more meaningful than multiple hugs from an extrovert who dispenses affection like a vending machine.
Second, you need to factor in the situational context. Just as you can’t isolate one gesture and read meaning into it, you can’t separate cues from the environment in which they occur. A loud voice on a football field is very different from a raised voice in the office.
Consider both factors every time you do a spot of body language reading. It’s not often that you get a second chance to form a first impression.
